I don’t even know where to start with this post. There is so much going on in such a small space and it’s all yelling at the top of its lungs, “Pick Me! Pick Me! NO, not him! I said PICK MEEE!!!!”
So if you’re looking for a happy cheery post about how wonderful Bug’s birthday was, check here or here. (Though they probably won’t post until tomorrow or possibly Monday, because we’re all pretty tired.)
The last week has been really hard on me and I don’t even know why. Shawn came home on Monday instead of Sunday for the second week in a row, but he didn’t have to leave until Wednesday, so it’s not like I was shorted in my allotted time to spend with him. We even got one of the things I wanted to do done. SuperChic’s cat Snap had four kittens last Saturday while we were at a friend’s house. So I now have four cute little furballs and their proud mommy living under my dresser. You’d think all that would cheer me up, but it hasn’t.
This week I’ve found myself breaking into tears for no reason. And I really mean no reason, not they’re-so-stupid-I-just-can’t-tell-you reasons. The latest incident was today. Imagine a house full of happy, smiling, laughing people, and all of a sudden you break into tears. Luckily I realized it was coming and left the room just in time, as in I turned the corner and the tears started flowing. If I’d stayed in the chair even two seconds longer I would have started blubbering in front of everyone. The last thing I needed was a room full of people staring at me asking, “Okay then. What’s up with her?”
Because then Bren would have had to follow me from the room to find out what was wrong and would’ve spend the rest of the day worrying in the back of her mind. That is not what I want. Though writing this post is definitely going to cause the same reaction.
This is not the first time I’ve had this happen. The last time was the Summer of 2005 and we had to move back to California because of it. Imagine getting a phone call at work from someone crying so hard they can barely talk and then all they can say is, “I can’t do this anymore.”
What does that even mean? I didn’t want to die, though I often wondered if Shawn, the girls, and everyone would be better off if I just disappeared. I didn’t know where I would go or what I would do, but I felt as if I were useless.
I’m starting to feel that way again.
I guess.
Sort of.
I think.
I don’t even know how to describe what and how I’m feeling. I don’t know what’s causing it and I don’t know how to stop it.
I’m the person that people talk to when they need to talk. I’m the one that you can call at two a.m., because your husband is leaving you. I’m the one who’ll drop everything and come help you move even if I really don’t have time, because I’m laying flooring and all my furniture is in the kitchen. That is who I am. I’m a shoulder to lean on, an ear to listen, and an advice-giver. I can talk you through anything. I listen well and see things that you don’t but others do and won’t tell you.
I am not the person who cries for no reason. I am not the person who needs someone to talk to at 2 a.m. I am not the one who needs a shoulder.
But suddenly I’m finding out that I am.
There have been so many things that have gone wrong in my life, but there are also so many that have gone right.
I was sexually molested by two different people at two different times in my life. Both between the ages of 7 and 10, both times by people I trusted. Neither of them were family.
The first time was by the son of my parents’ friends. He was 13 or 14 years old. I told, no one believed me, and it kept happening. He moved, it stopped, but I was now sleeping in the same bedroom where it happened. I was there for 8 years.
The second time was by a friend’s grandfather. I was in the fourth grade. I told, my dad beat the crap out of him, and he was never left alone with his granddaughter again. In the fifth grade we watched one of those stupid videos and I freaked out. The cops were called, but it had been over a year. I was more freaked out after talking to the police than I was before.
My dad was an abusive @ss. I don’t know when it started, but until I was in 11th grade I don’t remember a time when he wasn’t that way. I told others about it, but no one believed me. He only beat me and my mom. My sophomore year I ended up with a concussion and he went to jail. When he came home he made my life a living hell.
My junior year, I fell in love. We’d become friends the year before and started dating the first few weeks of my junior year. I lost my virginity to him a week or so after I turned 17. I was dumb and in love and desperately needed someone to want me, and he did. When I got pregnant the following spring he said it wasn’t his, but couldn’t tell me whose it could possibly be. After talking, yelling, and lots of pressure, I had an abortion in July 1996.
He left for Colorado the day before the procedure, which should have been a clue. I stayed with him through most of my senior year. I say “most” because my dad kicked me out of the house when I came home after staying out all night the week before Valentine’s Day 1997. (Though it actually was innocent. I was at school volunteering with the Rotary club, of which I was VP. My mom got sick and couldn’t come get me, and my boyfriend’s mom’s car was in the shop. I tried everyone I knew. No one could take me home and my dad refused to come get me.
We broke up at Easter.
I met Shawn at the end of April 1997. We got married May 22, 1997. Everyone thought we “had” to get married.
I got pregnant in August 1997. Rapunzel was born May 21, 1998—the day before our first anniversary.
Early Summer 2000 I miscarried.
October 2000 pregnant, December 2000 miscarriage, a week before Christmas.
February 2001 pregnant. April 2001 we move to Illinois. May 2001 I go to the ER with heavy bleeding. July 2001 we find out the baby is a girl, and she has Trisomy 13. She is not expected to live. August 2001 I go into labor. I give birth to an angel, Ashley Elizabeth. We bury her the following week.
February 2002 pregnant. I have a level-2 ultrasound and an amniocentesis. July 2002, I find out it’s a girl, and she’s healthy. August/September/October 2002, I’m on bedrest. November 22, 2002 SuperChic was born.
I had my tubes tied when she was a year old. She was number six, and another pregnancy would probably kill me. I’m ok with that though. When I look at a little baby, or a pregnant friend I get that all-too-familiar ache. But when I look at my family I don’t feel like there’s someone missing.
With everything that’s gone wrong in my life I should not be happily married to a man who not only loves me, but worships me. I should not have two beautiful daughters that love me unconditionally. I should not have in-laws that I don’t call “in-laws” but Mom, Dad, and Sister. I should not have a niece who loves me so much that she cries when I leave. I should not have friends that I can call and talk to and hang out with.
Based on my history, what I “should” have is a drug addiction, a husband who beats me, and kids who hate me for doing to them what was done to me. I should have in-laws that never want to see me and wish I weren’t around. I should have non-friends who ignore my calls because I’m a loser and they’re tired of me and my crap.
When I compare what I do have to what I “should” have, I am astounded. Statistics show that people like me don’t get the happy ending, yet I have it.
So why am I so sad?
beck says:
It’s ok to still hurt even though you feel as though you “should” have nothing to complain about. Your feelings are valid. Feelings aren’t “right” or “wrong” – they ARE. For a long time I didn’t go to counseling because I thought I didn’t deserve it because my life story was so much better compared to all the others out there. Like what on earth did I possibly have to complain about? But counseling has helped me SO MUCH.
January 18th, 2009 at 4:22 am
Jennie says:
I think you are simply amazing.
January 18th, 2009 at 7:08 am
bethany says:
shoulds don’t matter. you do. being the shoulder/ear/adviser has it’s downsides for sure. you can get “full up” and overflow. i’ve been having many similar moments since new years, and can’t get my finger on why. aching to cry and fall apart. i feel claustrophobic in ‘normal’ life sometimes. afraid things are too stale and that something has to change. “I can’t do this anymore” is so familiar. it’s not wrong or bad, and doesn’t need a big reason. you are an anomaly in the survivor/triumph department, and never cease to amaze me. it’s so very ok to cry. hugs and more hugs to you.
January 18th, 2009 at 7:28 am
DeeJay says:
Wish we lived closer and were “real” friends so that I could be there for you at these times. You are a wonderfully supportive and loving woman who feels how she feels. You are allowed to be down sometimes, even when you don’t understand why. Share with those who love you and allow them to nourish your soul.
xxxxxooo
January 18th, 2009 at 8:53 am
citystreams says:
My feed reader is overflowing and your post was at the top. I’m so glad I didn’t miss it. I think we tend to burden ourselves with expectations and limitations that aren’t deserved. You’ve expressed some of the same feelings that I’ve been feeling. But you wouldn’t tell me that I should be happy and suck it up would you? Why are you belittling yourself? You are a wonderful person and there’s nothing wrong with these feelings.
{{Big hug}}
January 18th, 2009 at 10:06 am
BeachMama says:
Although we have never met in person, I can tell you that you are an Amazing Woman. A wonderful Mom, superb Wife, Sister, Daughter-In-Law, all of those things.
But, just because you are that wonderful doesn’t mean that your past won’t creep in to make you feel like crap every once in a while.
It could be nothing, but it could be hormones, weather, something triggering it. Sometimes when you think you don’t deserve the life you have your mind plays tricks on you. And make no mistake, you deserve your wonderful kids, husband and family. You deserve to be happy no matter what your past was like. That is why it is called your past.
Will keep you in my prayers and hope that you recover quickly this time, but don’t be afraid to ask for help. We all need it once in a while.
January 18th, 2009 at 1:09 pm
gingermog says:
Your a good person. I keep on returning to your website because your are such a wise and kind person, but as you say even rocks like youself can have enough. I have no advice to offer but I think I recognise the feeling when life wears you down. I know with the help of your faith and your family you will find a way to keep putting your feet forward. I am so sorry you have had such a bad time in your early life, but I am you are a very much loved and cherished person.
January 19th, 2009 at 5:09 am
Helena says:
I am a long-time lurker and I felt that I had to delurk to let you know that I think that you are an amazing person. This time of the year is really tough and I also have been feeling terribly under the weather. My emotions are all over the place. When I feel really blue I try to write down the things that I am grateful for. Remember that you are brave and that these feelings shall pass. You are not alone. Hugs!
January 19th, 2009 at 9:04 am
Dejoni says:
I wish I could say something to make it better. Life is full of unexpected joy and sorrow.
I’ve had things similiar happen in my life and I ask myself…”Why me?”. But then I have to think, Why not me? Why does anyone have to go through this? But I think God is giving me a life lesson and once I figure it out I can see that it was a gift…even in the most horrible situations.
That probably doesn’t make sense and I’m rabling.
Anyhow, hang in there…
January 19th, 2009 at 12:49 pm
Mysh says:
I just wanted to say that I too think you are an amazing woman for everthing you have shown your readers that you ARE. A lot of people would have taken the “easý” way out when faced with the situations you have had to endure but you have persevered to become the wife, mom, aunt and loved-one that your friends and family have in you!
Why we humans have our emotions certainly seems to be one of life’s great mysteries and it should be more than okay for you to become the person who needs that strong shoulder or sympatheic ear — even if it is a role or position you’re not ever in.
I hope you stay strong and don’t forget to take care of yourself (the care-giver).
Many blessings! :O)
January 20th, 2009 at 8:57 am
gingermog says:
I was wondering how you are. I hope today has been better for you.
At the moment I feel with the economic problems worldwide life is extra hard and often the media reports the negative, which being reported over and and over really gets to us. Insecurity is so wearing.
Take care of yourself.
January 20th, 2009 at 1:51 pm
lorimo says:
I hope this will pass for you just as mysteriously as it has come. You have had a lot to deal with in your life… Sometimes the little things just build up and leave us feeling overly sad and we feel like there should be a huge reason. I appreciate your honesty and always enjoy when you write something here, even if it is about sadness.
January 25th, 2009 at 11:51 am
Amanda says:
We have a lot in common, you and I. I have had similar crappy things happen to me in my younger years. And I’m waiting for it to manifest itself somehow. It hasn’t yet but can’t help but think it will some day…
I hope these overwhelming feelings that you’re experiencing go as quickly as they’ve come.
February 24th, 2009 at 4:59 am
Ashlee says:
I cried when I read this post, Ive been a reader of SAJ for a while and I saw a recent post linked to your site. I cant even begin, I mean not even begin in the slightest to imagine how strong of a woman you must be to be able to endure as much as you have. After reading this, and being so astonished at the fact that you are willing to share this with the millions of people out there, I have to say thanks.. why?.. because your story is inspiring. Even though you feel sadness today, its OK to feel sad. Its catching up with you, you were pushing through to get through and to be the best you could be. Now that you have a better life, maybe your mind is able to process the past a bit because its not going a million miles a minute from fearing your Dad, or guilt from the molesters, or even failure felt by the miscarriages. You have such a powerful story, and I think it is a good thing to that you are willing to talk about it, as so many women do not. Just know, it is ok to be sad, because its your mind cleansing itself from all the horrible trauma you have been through. Its telling you, life is much better now, You can breath.
March 25th, 2009 at 4:03 pm