Well so far I seem to be doing okay today, even though by the time I finish writing this it will technically be tomorrow. Unless of course I type like Speedy Gonzales and get this done before midnight. Which is really, really unlikely considering I feel like his cousin, Slow Poke Rodriguez.
Today was a better day if only for the reason that it was so crammed full of stuff to do that I didn’t have time to think let alone have a minute to be sad about anything.
My day started at the crack of dawn, literally. Though I really shouldn’t complain, because with SAJ and Bug here I could have just as easily been woken up at 4:15am. For some reason my adorable little niece gets up earlier and earlier. We figured no nap and a later bedtime would help her sleep in, but no, of course not. Poor Brenda kept her quiet in the bedroom with Rapunzel asleep next to her so the rest of us could sleep. While it wasn’t necessary, it was appreciated.
While Rapunzel got ready for school, I laid on the couch listening and watching all that was going on around me. I even got to watch the sky change colors as the sun rose. If I had been a little more motivated I would have made the coffee, grabbed a blanket and my knitting, and headed outside to knit and watch the sunrise. But me and motivated are not words you are going to see in the same sentence. Well, not unless they have the word “not” between them.
I guess there is one advantage of being up before the sun, the sunrise. I miss the sunrise. I miss the feeling of wonderment that comes with the dawning of each new day. It’s been so long since I’ve really seen a sunrise. I’m pretty sure the last one was when we lived in Illinois. It was so long ago that I can’t even remember what it was like.
Watching the sunrise, well, what I could see of it through the dining room window anyways, left me feeling a little melancholy. It was great to watch the colors change and watch the day grow brighter and brighter, but the feeling of wonderment just wasn’t there. I still thought it was beautiful, but the feeling of a new day with so much that could be done just wasn’t there. It really sucked.
I am literally having to force myself to get up and moving by 8am. And I mean force as in if I sit down somewhere even remotely comfortable, like on the floor, I am asleep in about two minutes. And since I only have the chairs at my kitchen table, one which resides at my computer when Shawn isn’t home, two bean bag chairs, two hedgehogs, and no couch, you can guess where I spend most of my time, on the floor.
Wanna watch a movie, have a seat over…..well, anyplace really. Just don’t expect me to stay awake. Poor SuperChic fends for herself most mornings. Rapunzel is self-sufficient and doesn’t need help most of the time, but sometimes when she leaves SuperChic is awake, and they don’t wake me up. I get out of bed to check on her and she’s dressed and had breakfast. When I ask her why she didn’t wake me up, she tells me I needed the sleep. She doesn’t get that whether I need the sleep or not, I’m the Mom and I’m supposed to take care of her, not the other way around.
Hopefully, in the next two weeks I’ll start to feel like I’m taking care of my kids and not that they’re taking care of me.
Anyways, this entire post was basically supposed to say that I’m on the meds, um, I meant mend. I’m trying to get used to the meds and I’m praying that they’ll work and that when they do maybe everything will be a little brighter.
I really don’t want to walk around all day looking dopey and saying that everything’s great all the time. I just want to be able to say I’m okay and really mean it.
Mrs. Wilson says:
Oh sweetie! It gets better. Sometimes it takes a couple weeks for the meds to kick in, but when they do, it’s better. I hope that they kick in sooner rather than later, for your sake.
ps. Your girls seem So sweet to take care of you like that
February 6th, 2009 at 1:16 am
Mysh says:
Hang in there, you’ll know if they are helping or hindering, but you do have to give them a chance.
One of my family members was taking the same thing and thought it should work instantly, like an aspirin…of course it didn’t work like that.
Anyway, I think you’re doing the right thing by seeing if this is what you need. Take care!
February 6th, 2009 at 8:44 am
Jennifer says:
I’m hoping you have an upswing soon! I’ve dealt with depression in the past and it’s no fun at all. Hang in there. I’m rooting for you.
February 6th, 2009 at 12:44 pm
Lisa says:
I’ve done my time on Lexapro and I will say that when the meds kick in, you’ll get on a more even keel. At least that was my experience with them. I was on them for 10 months total before I ran out one time and just didn’t feel like I need the refill. So if you ever need answers on what it feels like to go off them, I can help!
Found you through Blogherads. Hope you know there are many of us out here who have been there. Keep writing, keep getting it out. It’ll help.
Lisa (the girls’ moma)
February 8th, 2009 at 4:31 pm
sunny says:
I’m wishing you happiness and inner peace in the coming weeks. it takes a lot of courage to admit that things aren’t going well so congratulations for taking that step. I hope you have a good experience with lexapro and restore some balance. Good luck and best wishes!
February 9th, 2009 at 6:21 am
gingermog says:
I think you are very brave. I hope these pills make you feel better. Thinking of you.
February 10th, 2009 at 10:04 am
BeachMama says:
I hope that things even out for you soon. The only time I ever felt like not getting out of bed was when I was on meds for morning sickness, it just made me feel so crappy, I was so happy to get off of them.
February 11th, 2009 at 11:01 am
jennifer says:
I was trying to find your email address but couldn’t seem to…Anyway, thank you for posting this, I often feel like I am the only one who feels bad most of the time, and cannot get over it. It takes a lot to admit you are unhappy and not blame yourself–hopefully I can take lessons from you. Please keep sharing as your honesty is a great gift.
All the best.
February 22nd, 2009 at 12:28 pm
Kathy K. says:
I just want to echo what the others are saying above. I just found your blog from SAJ and I melted when I read this and your part one/part two posts. A lot of things in common (I share your opinion of bras too!)
I am glad that you are getting help and I hope to hear that you are bouncing back soon.
I am going through the same issues not only myself but also with my 14 year old daughter. It is so painful to watch her suffer with depression and anxiety. I hate seeing it mask her beautiful sparkling creative personality. I just know I want her to beat this monster and I wish the same for you.
Take Care
February 23rd, 2009 at 10:07 am
Amanda says:
Thank you for sharing your story. I hope your days start getting brighter very soon.
Thinking of you and praying for you.
February 23rd, 2009 at 9:16 pm