I just finished up a “conversation” with Maria.

I don’t know if I am a help or a hurt sometimes. I’m betting on her going to the doctors and them telling her to throw out everything I’ve been having her do since her husband left her. They are the professionals, not me, but it WAS helping. The key word there being was, in case you didn’t notice.

If I would have known it was getting that bad, and not just the normal depressed that people go through, I would have tried to get her to someone who could help her. (Other than the ups and downs of everyday stuff, she was ok). In some ways I feel like I let her down, because I didn’t see it coming.

Below is what we “talked” about. No names have been changed, just abbreviated.

Also, other than fixing the obvious typos. It is a written. I tend to not use punctuation, at all.

BUZZ!!!
M: whats up?
cc: Just wanted to see how you were doing
M: i am ok, i guess, i just got home from the store.
cc: we are all praying for you
M: whats up with you?
cc: toilet leaked water all over the floor while we were gone
cc: normal chaotic stuff
M: thank you i really need it. its hard being here by myself. i feel like i cant do anything.
cc: understandable
cc: are you taking your meds
M: or trust myself again. but, i am learning to accept it.
cc: the anti -depressant will really help
M: yes. i feel weird with them in my system
cc: but it may take a few days
M: yeah, J is giving them to me twice a day.
cc: you will get used to it
M: yeah i know, i really miss you heather specially now.
cc: i miss you too
cc: shawn will be home next week
cc: maybe we can come out for a few hours
M: i would really like that, i really need you a lot.
cc: i know
cc: i wish i was closer
M: heather, i am scared
M: i really screwed things with J now.
cc: don’t stress
cc: it won’t help
cc: don’t make any decisions
cc: neither one of you are in a state to make any major decisions right now
M: i know, we are taking things really slow now. he let me get in bed with him this morning cause, i had a bad nightmare of me being in a coffin. it scared the crap out of me.
cc: well, yeah
cc: reality check
M: smart ass
cc: better a smart one than a dumb one
M: but, this time was not my fault.
cc: i know
M: yeah, i know, i really screwed up and i do take the blame. but, i really need help now, and i am going to get it.
cc: i am glad
cc: i’ve been very worried today
cc: we didn’t get home until 5
M: i wasn’t doing this for the attention. i was crying out for some help.
cc: so i couldn’t talk with you
cc: i know that
cc: i just wished you had called me instead
M: i really need you heather. i am soooo messed up.
M: i know, but, i just wanted the pain to stop.
cc: i’ve felt that way before
cc: i came really close quite a few times when i was in school
cc: i’ve gone through some really bad stuff
M: yeah, me too. i just need to relax right now. J will be home by 8:15 tonight. he had a gran mal siezer yesterday at work.
cc: i’ve even had moments since i knew shawn
cc: high stress
M: did you see what i have said J had a gran mal siezer yesterday at work.
cc: yes
cc: he was under a lot of stress
cc: that is a trigger
cc: is he feeling better today
M: no, he is getting used to his meds that he is on now.yeah, he is fine, just a little tired. but, he went back to work today.
cc: you both need to take it easy
M: but, he was suppose to have today off. but, they needed him to cover another co worker.
cc: he should have said no
cc: he needed to be home for his own health
M: but, he wont. her is stubborn and hard headed
cc: just like someone else i know
M: once again smartass heather.
cc: thats me
M: i know, i am off on medical leave from work for 3 weeks.
cc: good
M: til, i get better on my meds and my doctors appointments and psychologist
cc: they shouldn’t have \complained to much
M: and, my group therapy again.
cc: have you made your appointments yet
M: no, jenn was real understanding of my situation
M: yeah, for next wednesday afternoon.
cc: good
M: both doctor, and psychologist appointments for same day.
M: same building thank god.
cc: you can do it
M: i know, i am just scared of going again its been years since i needed this .
cc: don’t be scared
cc: they are there to help you
cc: but you have to be honest with them
cc: or it won;t help
M: i will heather,
cc: that also means being honest with yourself
cc: about what you feel, want, need, don’t want
M: yeah, i know, i have to write out what i want to do in life. and, where i want to go and how far.
cc: yes
cc: writing makes you feel better
cc: but don’t burn anything
cc: they will want to see everything you write
M: yeah, i know. i have been writing since christmas.
cc: good
cc: are you keeping themd
cc: or burning them
M: remember you got me to write out how i feel. well, i have been trying.
M: burning them
cc: for now just write
cc: they may want to see what you write
M: why?
cc: what you write for them and what you write in frustration, grief, or fear may be really different
M: oh, ok, i understand now thanks,
cc: you know what they want to hear
cc: and what you don’t want them to know
cc: so keep writing
M: ok. but, they wont judge me i hope.
cc: take your journal with you to your first appointment
cc: they are not there to judge you
cc: they are there to help you
cc: they can’t help if you won’t let them
M: ok, but, i am really scared of a lot of things, including myself
cc: write it down
M: i know, they would not let me out of the hospital tuesday afternoon, if they felt i was still a threat to myself. but,i feel like i am sometimes.
M: did you tell shawn about me?
cc: you can always re-admit yourself
cc: yes, i told shawn
cc: him and his dad are praying for you too
cc: we are all worried
cc: this isn’t something I can hold in
M: god bless them tell them thank you from the bottom of my heart.
cc: i will
M: i am crying right now
cc: that’s probably good
cc: it is a release
M: i wish you and J were here right now.
cc: i do too
cc: sometimes 100 miles seems like a world away
M: yeah don’t i know it. i write well right now.
M: cant write well right now.
cc: got it
M: i love you all very much
cc: we know
M: and, i am sorry , i never meant to hurt all of you.
cc: i know that
cc: you didn’t do it to hurt us
cc: it is just a side effect
cc: but we are still here for you
cc: we are not going to abandon you
M: yeah, i know. please forgive me and still love me
cc: i did and do
M: i love you heather soooooooo much
M: i need to go, i have to go lie down now.
cc: ok
M: i am getting really tired.
cc: buzz me later if you need to talk
M: ok, i will or just call me k?
cc: ok
M: bye

If you could all pray for my friend Maria I would really appreciate it.

She was admitted to the hospital with a vicodin overdose, yesterday, May 5, 2008. She was resuscitated by her boyfriend while the ambulance was in route.

She was put on anti-depressants and released this afternoon. With directions to make appointments to see a therapist, group and one-on-one.

She was very upfront about it with me. (Does that mean she is regretful, is it just a way to ask for help, is it a way to down-play it? I just don’t know.) When she called me this afternoon, she very bluntly told me what she did. I told her it better not be over a guy because that was plain stupid. I know it probably wasn’t the smartest thing to say, but I wasn’t going to feel sorry for her. She knew what she was doing when she did it. I wish it hadn’t happened, but it has.

There’s no going back from here. She can’t take it back, she can’t make me feel better knowing that she didn’t succeed. Nothing is going to help but prayer. I feel like she doesn’t trust me anymore in a way.

The last few times she has called for advice I was honest with her. She didn’t like what I had to say, but she still called again. I am not going to tell her what she wants to here, I am going to be honest with her. The truth hurts sometimes, but I don’t want her to repeat the things she has done in the past. I care about her too much to sugar-coat things for her. Maybe that’s why she didn’t call me yesterday when she knew she was feeling that way.

I am very worried. She does not handle stress well. And her life has been very upside down lately.

Her husband left her last December, she moved in with a guy friend in March, things with guy friend are not always so smooth, she was promoted to front-end supervisor at THD, things with guy friend got worse, was talking to another guy online, he completely fabricated interest in her and things about himself. She couldn’t cope.

I instructed guy friend to leave her a few regular Tylenol for back pain, and take all other meds with him when he leaves the house. She is going to have a cow, but I really don’t care. Her safety is first. I don’t want any chances being taken.

Maria, if you are reading this, please don’t be mad. I care about you, I want you to get better, I just want all my friends and family to be able to pray for you. I am not trying to tell everyone your business. I just want what’s best for you. Prayer works and you know it. Hugs.

Did anyone watch the Emmys? Me neither, but I still heard about it.

Can you guess where? At church yesterday. When listening to this during the service I was appalled.

My first reaction was shock then came the anger. She can be kinda crude sometimes but she was also pretty funny.  But this was definitely no laughing matter. We all do or say things we shouldn’t and this would definitely qualify as a don’t.

There are lots of articles out like this and this.  It was even removed from the E! broadcast that was aired. Her reaction was that she must be the only Catholic with a sense of humor.

Well let me tell you this Kathy, it wasn’t funny. I don’t know why everyone was laughing. The one person who deserved the credit was Jesus. If it wasn’t for Him you wouldn’t have the gift of comedy.

In the first clip the comment was made that at the Superbowl they thank God and that it’s all kinda bogus. Who else should you thank? Yes, you probably couldn’t get there without your trainers, and managers and family, but if you didn’t have the ability you wouldn’t be there at all. That ability that was given to you by God.

People wouldn’t thank Him for those things if they didn’t mean it. So you shouldn’t deny Him those thanks if you don’t mean it.

The Pastor spoke of a woman he knew who got up in front of the entire church, stuck her finger in the preachers face and said that neither man nor God would make her  wear a hat in church. The next morning when she woke up all of her hair was on her pillow. She was bald until the day she died.

I wonder what Kathy would say to this if she truly believed in Him.  Or maybe she would be struck speechless.

Well, Shawn is starting a new job on Monday. This new shop is a pro-bono shop. That means they charge their customers, pay shop expenses, pay the guys, pay the owners salary, and the rest is used to fix cars for people who can’t afford it. It wasn’t an easy choice at first, but then we found out Pat had someone come to the shop looking for work. Actually he was sent by one of his friends, and he liked the guy. What did all that mean? That means that Shawn could leave on Monday and Pat wouldn’t be short a guy, and no more working on commission. He’s going to get a straight salary, and only work Monday thru Friday.

I’ve been asked to sell some items on eBay for a commission. I’ve also started knitting. I’m trying to work on current products and start on some other items to attempt to make a little cash and not have to go back to work. I’m thinking of things like this, and this, and this. I really want this to work. I don’t want to have to work outside the house. I enjoy being a SAHM, well most of the time.

I also want to say thank you to the angel that was with me today. I don’t need to say why or who, you know who you are.