I just finished up a “conversation” with Maria.
I don’t know if I am a help or a hurt sometimes. I’m betting on her going to the doctors and them telling her to throw out everything I’ve been having her do since her husband left her. They are the professionals, not me, but it WAS helping. The key word there being was, in case you didn’t notice.
If I would have known it was getting that bad, and not just the normal depressed that people go through, I would have tried to get her to someone who could help her. (Other than the ups and downs of everyday stuff, she was ok). In some ways I feel like I let her down, because I didn’t see it coming.
Below is what we “talked” about. No names have been changed, just abbreviated.
Also, other than fixing the obvious typos. It is a written. I tend to not use punctuation, at all.
BUZZ!!!
M: whats up?
cc: Just wanted to see how you were doing
M: i am ok, i guess, i just got home from the store.
cc: we are all praying for you
M: whats up with you?
cc: toilet leaked water all over the floor while we were gone
cc: normal chaotic stuff
M: thank you i really need it. its hard being here by myself. i feel like i cant do anything.
cc: understandable
cc: are you taking your meds
M: or trust myself again. but, i am learning to accept it.
cc: the anti -depressant will really help
M: yes. i feel weird with them in my system
cc: but it may take a few days
M: yeah, J is giving them to me twice a day.
cc: you will get used to it
M: yeah i know, i really miss you heather specially now.
cc: i miss you too
cc: shawn will be home next week
cc: maybe we can come out for a few hours
M: i would really like that, i really need you a lot.
cc: i know
cc: i wish i was closer
M: heather, i am scared
M: i really screwed things with J now.
cc: don’t stress
cc: it won’t help
cc: don’t make any decisions
cc: neither one of you are in a state to make any major decisions right now
M: i know, we are taking things really slow now. he let me get in bed with him this morning cause, i had a bad nightmare of me being in a coffin. it scared the crap out of me.
cc: well, yeah
cc: reality check
M: smart ass
cc: better a smart one than a dumb one
M: but, this time was not my fault.
cc: i know
M: yeah, i know, i really screwed up and i do take the blame. but, i really need help now, and i am going to get it.
cc: i am glad
cc: i’ve been very worried today
cc: we didn’t get home until 5
M: i wasn’t doing this for the attention. i was crying out for some help.
cc: so i couldn’t talk with you
cc: i know that
cc: i just wished you had called me instead
M: i really need you heather. i am soooo messed up.
M: i know, but, i just wanted the pain to stop.
cc: i’ve felt that way before
cc: i came really close quite a few times when i was in school
cc: i’ve gone through some really bad stuff
M: yeah, me too. i just need to relax right now. J will be home by 8:15 tonight. he had a gran mal siezer yesterday at work.
cc: i’ve even had moments since i knew shawn
cc: high stress
M: did you see what i have said J had a gran mal siezer yesterday at work.
cc: yes
cc: he was under a lot of stress
cc: that is a trigger
cc: is he feeling better today
M: no, he is getting used to his meds that he is on now.yeah, he is fine, just a little tired. but, he went back to work today.
cc: you both need to take it easy
M: but, he was suppose to have today off. but, they needed him to cover another co worker.
cc: he should have said no
cc: he needed to be home for his own health
M: but, he wont. her is stubborn and hard headed
cc: just like someone else i know
M: once again smartass heather.
cc: thats me
M: i know, i am off on medical leave from work for 3 weeks.
cc: good
M: til, i get better on my meds and my doctors appointments and psychologist
cc: they shouldn’t have \complained to much
M: and, my group therapy again.
cc: have you made your appointments yet
M: no, jenn was real understanding of my situation
M: yeah, for next wednesday afternoon.
cc: good
M: both doctor, and psychologist appointments for same day.
M: same building thank god.
cc: you can do it
M: i know, i am just scared of going again its been years since i needed this .
cc: don’t be scared
cc: they are there to help you
cc: but you have to be honest with them
cc: or it won;t help
M: i will heather,
cc: that also means being honest with yourself
cc: about what you feel, want, need, don’t want
M: yeah, i know, i have to write out what i want to do in life. and, where i want to go and how far.
cc: yes
cc: writing makes you feel better
cc: but don’t burn anything
cc: they will want to see everything you write
M: yeah, i know. i have been writing since christmas.
cc: good
cc: are you keeping themd
cc: or burning them
M: remember you got me to write out how i feel. well, i have been trying.
M: burning them
cc: for now just write
cc: they may want to see what you write
M: why?
cc: what you write for them and what you write in frustration, grief, or fear may be really different
M: oh, ok, i understand now thanks,
cc: you know what they want to hear
cc: and what you don’t want them to know
cc: so keep writing
M: ok. but, they wont judge me i hope.
cc: take your journal with you to your first appointment
cc: they are not there to judge you
cc: they are there to help you
cc: they can’t help if you won’t let them
M: ok, but, i am really scared of a lot of things, including myself
cc: write it down
M: i know, they would not let me out of the hospital tuesday afternoon, if they felt i was still a threat to myself. but,i feel like i am sometimes.
M: did you tell shawn about me?
cc: you can always re-admit yourself
cc: yes, i told shawn
cc: him and his dad are praying for you too
cc: we are all worried
cc: this isn’t something I can hold in
M: god bless them tell them thank you from the bottom of my heart.
cc: i will
M: i am crying right now
cc: that’s probably good
cc: it is a release
M: i wish you and J were here right now.
cc: i do too
cc: sometimes 100 miles seems like a world away
M: yeah don’t i know it. i write well right now.
M: cant write well right now.
cc: got it
M: i love you all very much
cc: we know
M: and, i am sorry , i never meant to hurt all of you.
cc: i know that
cc: you didn’t do it to hurt us
cc: it is just a side effect
cc: but we are still here for you
cc: we are not going to abandon you
M: yeah, i know. please forgive me and still love me
cc: i did and do
M: i love you heather soooooooo much
M: i need to go, i have to go lie down now.
cc: ok
M: i am getting really tired.
cc: buzz me later if you need to talk
M: ok, i will or just call me k?
cc: ok
M: bye
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