As the title suggests the girls and I are at Bethany and Annalie’s house.

Last night we had hot dogs, barbecued asparagus, German potato salad, and watermelon for dinner. It was very very very yummy. After the kids were in bed brownies were made and blogs were read.

I feel so lazy. This morning I had coffee, made by Bethany and pancakes made by Rapunzel while I checked my email and Twittered away. It was nice and weird all at the same time. I mean, who reads email at the table with their breakfast? You don’t have to answer that. Most of you with laptops probably do it. Sadly my computer is attached to a desk, and while it is also attached to a very large screen (our TV) I do not have a wireless mouse or keyboard. This means no breakfast with my morning computer time.

Who am I kidding? I don’t eat breakfast, I just sit at the computer and read my email, twitter, and check Bloglines and Flickr. I’m lucky if I remember to eat lunch before the girls get home from school.

After breakfast we showered got dressed and went to paint pottery. (I think that may have been the most obvious sentence I have ever written. Of course we got dressed after we showered. I mean can you imagine four mom’s going out in public completely nude with four kids who were dressed. I’m sure we would have made the national news.)

The painting went as it does when you have kids. Five minutes after you’ve sat down someone had to pee. Or they were done and wanted to paint something else. Or they were hungry and thirsty. And could they pretty please paint something else.

For some reason today I was in a giving mood. I’m pretty sure it was taking my pill at about 10pm yesterday and 8am this morning. Two happy pills that close together are bound to have their advantages. So I said yes to painting something else even though each of the girls had each picked out what I consider a “larger” item to start with. Shawn will probably kill me, but he can consider them Mother’s Day gifts. I’m counting on the fact that he doesn’t like to go shopping to win that small battle. After all I picked something smaller and less time consuming to paint just for the fact that I knew what was going to happen.

Though the next time we paint, after Rapunzel’s painting party of course, they are both painting tiles. I want hand prints before they grow any bigger.

Once the grown-ups were done and the kids were sufficiently tired of scratching and doodling we headed over to Panera for lunch. It was funny to have the kids at one table and the adults at another. I guess that’s one advantage to having an almost 11 year old in the group.

The quiet didn’t last long and we high tailed it out of there. The park was the next planned adventure of the day. It should have been perfect, but the kids were hot and tired and crabby. Did I mention that they were hot? No? Well, they were. The slides were hot, the sun was hot, the benches were hot. So instead we sat in the shade and ate brownies.

After the brownies were devoured, thank you Bethany and Ghiradelli, the girls headed back out into the sun. Which meant that about 2.5 seconds later they were hot. As they went running off Bethany told them that in a few minutes we were going to take a group photo and then go home.

In those few minutes I finally got a few good shots. Plus it was just enough time for Rapunzel to get stuck in the smaller tire swing, with a little help from her Mom. I am SO glad I tickled her when I did.

At least between all the crying, and whining about being hot from being in the sun, and hot from sitting on the hot wood, and MOMMY I’M HOT BECAUSE I’M HOT…..I got a good shot.

I’m the “Sane Mom’s Spotlight” this week. Hop on over and check it out.

Sane Moms is run by my other friend Bethany. She is a wife, mother, graphic designer, artist, life coach, and friend. She is an awesome woman who knows what she is talking about. So go listen.

I just finished up a “conversation” with Maria.

I don’t know if I am a help or a hurt sometimes. I’m betting on her going to the doctors and them telling her to throw out everything I’ve been having her do since her husband left her. They are the professionals, not me, but it WAS helping. The key word there being was, in case you didn’t notice.

If I would have known it was getting that bad, and not just the normal depressed that people go through, I would have tried to get her to someone who could help her. (Other than the ups and downs of everyday stuff, she was ok). In some ways I feel like I let her down, because I didn’t see it coming.

Below is what we “talked” about. No names have been changed, just abbreviated.

Also, other than fixing the obvious typos. It is a written. I tend to not use punctuation, at all.

BUZZ!!!
M: whats up?
cc: Just wanted to see how you were doing
M: i am ok, i guess, i just got home from the store.
cc: we are all praying for you
M: whats up with you?
cc: toilet leaked water all over the floor while we were gone
cc: normal chaotic stuff
M: thank you i really need it. its hard being here by myself. i feel like i cant do anything.
cc: understandable
cc: are you taking your meds
M: or trust myself again. but, i am learning to accept it.
cc: the anti -depressant will really help
M: yes. i feel weird with them in my system
cc: but it may take a few days
M: yeah, J is giving them to me twice a day.
cc: you will get used to it
M: yeah i know, i really miss you heather specially now.
cc: i miss you too
cc: shawn will be home next week
cc: maybe we can come out for a few hours
M: i would really like that, i really need you a lot.
cc: i know
cc: i wish i was closer
M: heather, i am scared
M: i really screwed things with J now.
cc: don’t stress
cc: it won’t help
cc: don’t make any decisions
cc: neither one of you are in a state to make any major decisions right now
M: i know, we are taking things really slow now. he let me get in bed with him this morning cause, i had a bad nightmare of me being in a coffin. it scared the crap out of me.
cc: well, yeah
cc: reality check
M: smart ass
cc: better a smart one than a dumb one
M: but, this time was not my fault.
cc: i know
M: yeah, i know, i really screwed up and i do take the blame. but, i really need help now, and i am going to get it.
cc: i am glad
cc: i’ve been very worried today
cc: we didn’t get home until 5
M: i wasn’t doing this for the attention. i was crying out for some help.
cc: so i couldn’t talk with you
cc: i know that
cc: i just wished you had called me instead
M: i really need you heather. i am soooo messed up.
M: i know, but, i just wanted the pain to stop.
cc: i’ve felt that way before
cc: i came really close quite a few times when i was in school
cc: i’ve gone through some really bad stuff
M: yeah, me too. i just need to relax right now. J will be home by 8:15 tonight. he had a gran mal siezer yesterday at work.
cc: i’ve even had moments since i knew shawn
cc: high stress
M: did you see what i have said J had a gran mal siezer yesterday at work.
cc: yes
cc: he was under a lot of stress
cc: that is a trigger
cc: is he feeling better today
M: no, he is getting used to his meds that he is on now.yeah, he is fine, just a little tired. but, he went back to work today.
cc: you both need to take it easy
M: but, he was suppose to have today off. but, they needed him to cover another co worker.
cc: he should have said no
cc: he needed to be home for his own health
M: but, he wont. her is stubborn and hard headed
cc: just like someone else i know
M: once again smartass heather.
cc: thats me
M: i know, i am off on medical leave from work for 3 weeks.
cc: good
M: til, i get better on my meds and my doctors appointments and psychologist
cc: they shouldn’t have \complained to much
M: and, my group therapy again.
cc: have you made your appointments yet
M: no, jenn was real understanding of my situation
M: yeah, for next wednesday afternoon.
cc: good
M: both doctor, and psychologist appointments for same day.
M: same building thank god.
cc: you can do it
M: i know, i am just scared of going again its been years since i needed this .
cc: don’t be scared
cc: they are there to help you
cc: but you have to be honest with them
cc: or it won;t help
M: i will heather,
cc: that also means being honest with yourself
cc: about what you feel, want, need, don’t want
M: yeah, i know, i have to write out what i want to do in life. and, where i want to go and how far.
cc: yes
cc: writing makes you feel better
cc: but don’t burn anything
cc: they will want to see everything you write
M: yeah, i know. i have been writing since christmas.
cc: good
cc: are you keeping themd
cc: or burning them
M: remember you got me to write out how i feel. well, i have been trying.
M: burning them
cc: for now just write
cc: they may want to see what you write
M: why?
cc: what you write for them and what you write in frustration, grief, or fear may be really different
M: oh, ok, i understand now thanks,
cc: you know what they want to hear
cc: and what you don’t want them to know
cc: so keep writing
M: ok. but, they wont judge me i hope.
cc: take your journal with you to your first appointment
cc: they are not there to judge you
cc: they are there to help you
cc: they can’t help if you won’t let them
M: ok, but, i am really scared of a lot of things, including myself
cc: write it down
M: i know, they would not let me out of the hospital tuesday afternoon, if they felt i was still a threat to myself. but,i feel like i am sometimes.
M: did you tell shawn about me?
cc: you can always re-admit yourself
cc: yes, i told shawn
cc: him and his dad are praying for you too
cc: we are all worried
cc: this isn’t something I can hold in
M: god bless them tell them thank you from the bottom of my heart.
cc: i will
M: i am crying right now
cc: that’s probably good
cc: it is a release
M: i wish you and J were here right now.
cc: i do too
cc: sometimes 100 miles seems like a world away
M: yeah don’t i know it. i write well right now.
M: cant write well right now.
cc: got it
M: i love you all very much
cc: we know
M: and, i am sorry , i never meant to hurt all of you.
cc: i know that
cc: you didn’t do it to hurt us
cc: it is just a side effect
cc: but we are still here for you
cc: we are not going to abandon you
M: yeah, i know. please forgive me and still love me
cc: i did and do
M: i love you heather soooooooo much
M: i need to go, i have to go lie down now.
cc: ok
M: i am getting really tired.
cc: buzz me later if you need to talk
M: ok, i will or just call me k?
cc: ok
M: bye

DeeJay at Simply Sassy honored me with Caught Being Good.

Apparently she likes me because I’m nuts. Ok, fine, that’s not what she said. This is, “Because she is struggling to keep it all together and to me she is such an inspiration. Love her courage, love for family and her strength.”

So I want to start by saying THANK YOU to DeeJay.

I know I love my family and make it obvious to everyone. I’m pretty sure you could be deaf and blind and still know how much my family means to me. But I don’t necessarily consider myself courageous, strong, or inspirational. (Yes SAJ, I know I have strengths that got/get me trough things a lot of people don’t, but I don’t feel strong.) I am amazed every time I have a comment, especially if it’s from someone who identifies themselves as a lurker so for someone to find me to be an inspiration is pretty amazing. Thank You.

While it’s always fun having comments and checking stats, ultimately that’s not why I write, or most of you either. If I did I think my/your writing would be really crappy and no one would want to read it. Which would be fine to, all things considered.

Knowing what’s in my head and what actually makes it onto paper (or in this case the computer) is kind of scary. There’s a lot I don’t say. Not that I can’t say it, I just don’t. I think I need to start a paper journal again for some of my other thoughts. Then again, maybe I should just post them here.

I just don’t want to scare anyone. I have dark thoughts, thoughts I don’t even tell Shawn because he’d worry to much. Lately they’ve been catching up with me. I don’t sleep until I can’t stay awake anymore so that I’ll have less time to dream.

I know everyone has thoughts that they think are dark and bad. This is why I’m not worried. I know they’ll pass, they always do. I’m not about to hurt myself or anyone else.The sun will come out tomorrow, or at the very latest the next month. I guess knowing that the future will always be there is what gets me through. Even if I don’t know what it holds.

Sorry about the detour up there. That’s what happens when I don’t write for a week. I get diarrhea of the mouth.

So on to what this post was supposed to be about. The best part of Caught Being Good, passing it on.

Please play along, the rules are simple:

1. Choose 3 people you want to reward for their good bloggy behavior. (I say if you don’t have three that’s ok. Pick one person.)

2. Link them in a post along with the “Caught Being Good” sticker. (right-click on it and then click on “save picture as” I had too upload it to Flickr to get it to post on my blog though.)

3. Let them know they’ve been “Caught Being Good” and encourage them to pay it forward.

That’s it! Go spread some linky love. You don’t have to be nominated to nominate someone but these writers are my picks:

First is Anna, I read every word of every post, even the long ones. I love her for being honest, putting her kids first, (even before housework, and Anna your house has nothing on mine ask SAJ) and being an amazing artist in the two or three hours hours she steals for herself even if it is between 1 a.m. and 3 a.m.

Second is Soule Mama, she inspires me to be more creative with my girls and to let them have the hands on experiences that makes things fun for them and slow for me. Her son made his own Halloween costume this year, I think all her children old enough to use her sewing machine safely, do. To top it all off she’s given those of us who need help getting inspired a manual. And as soon as I’m financially able I will be getting it.

And Third, but not last, is Bethany. If any of you read her you’ll understand why she is so great. After reading her for months I had the opportunity to meet her, and Annalie too, though we didn’t actually do anything special it was fun. A few hours at the park and a day at home making sprinkles, I mean cupcakes, was probably better than anything we could have tried to do. I can’t wait for her to come out again. Her writing always makes me giggle, and her photos make me smile. And the idiot that I am I probably haven’t even thanked her for the most awesome bowl ever. It looked just like this, except orange. She even sent Gumball magnets and photos. And she did it for no reason other than I marked her bowl as a favorite on her Etsy shop. I tell you, if she had any more love in her she’d pop. So Bethany, THANK YOU for the bowl, and photos and magnets, and for being a friend.

And to all three of you, THANK YOU for being a great Mommy. It’s the most important and toughest job in the world.